A family member, who had also been sexually abused said to me once, “Why are you doing ok and I’m not?” I said to her, “I refuse to let him win.” It seems like a flippant remark for me to make; I understand that, but that’s my answer. I don’t want to, I refuse to be beat. Does that mean i always come in first, second or third? No it sure doesn’t, but it means that’s what I’m shooting for. You know I’m talking metaphorically.. I get beat many times, I’ve been married three times….divorce certainly isn’t any form of winning. 🙂 I have moments when I call my sister, or a daughter, or a son and talk through the latest crack in my heart. I’m still in training maybe?
I can’t say that I don’t think about it much, because writing the blog, talking to other survivors, and reading the news keeps it on my mind almost every day. My daughter said, “You know you can stop writing your blog any time you want?” I know I can, it would be easier, than I could almost be one of those people who puts it safely away, and never thinks about it again. But, for now, writing about surviving is part of my purpose; It’s how I win. Maybe someday…….
I don’t know why some people survive easier than others; I just don’t know. I spend a lot of time thinking about it. I look at all survivors of abuse, racism, etc. and wonder how we can all move past it. How do we forgive and move on? There is so much hate in the world right now; maybe it’s always been there and social media exaggerates and abuses it. I look at bullies and wonder, “What happened to you?” I read horrible, spiteful things on Facebook and wonder the same thing. This sense of helplessness and hopelessness that permeates our culture, with no relief in sight. People who have been victimized, who just can’t seem to move away from being “the victim.” I wonder how to help them, and have tried to help others almost until my own survival was compromised.
Why am I doing OK?, because I refuse to let him win. I refuse….no one makes me feel this way…I’m in control of my feelings and I refuse. I give you the right of refusal too.. 🙂 Take it and refuse to let him/her/them win. Train to be a winner!!